Relationships

Common relationship problem and solution

First question was what issues did you and your partner have to overcome? As your relationship developed as I got a mix of personal questions and then just general relationship questions so I’m in a relatively new relationship I think particularly people who are relationship people or people who haven’t spent a lot of time single you tend to you know I’m wanting leaked hairy experiences and sometimes trauma from previous relationships into your new relationships.

so I would say that in relationships past like before my last relationship due to infidelity simply I’ve carried a lot of trust issues with me into later relationships now I wouldn’t tell you that I’m at the top end of the scale by any means I I do trust I am able to trust or put my trust in a person however I would say that there were certain triggers that I tend to have that kind of make me question my trust so those are some of the things that I bought into any relationship that I’ve been in since to be honest and I mean that relationship was probably over ten years ago so you know as time goes on and your baggage tends to get a little bit lighter hopefully so long as like people are not you know pressing the same triggers that other things that I’ve had to overcome are probably let personal insecurities that I carry and you know as we’ve been securities it’s something that is a very much a long-term bit of work and a long-term bit of effort and I think that how I’ve been able to overcome things like that is to have my positive traits affirms either by myself or by my partner and also just by spending more time getting to know each other and not necessarily rushing into any like huge relationship milestones too quickly so I would say that those are the main things that we’ve had to overcome and that sort of how we’ve overcome them they’re coming up later but there were a few questions about my current relationship status and yes I am no longer single I am in a relationship I wanted to cover off this just because I want to get a bit more personal on my channel and help you guys get to know me a bit better so the next question is what did you learn from each relationship that changed you for good or bad and that you would take or leave for the next one what changed me for the good is I guess I didn’t necessarily learn this in a relationship but I kind of learnt it leaving a relationship it was a previous relationship I learned that I am actually okay alone that I am somebody that enjoys my own company and that’s very independent and I’m very much an introvert so I guess those three things kind of combine quite nicely and I realized that actually I could be single for a lot longer than I thought I could be and I don’t necessarily need a relationship to make me feel whole or to make me feel purposeful in life you know I found those feelings and in myself as much as I did with somebody else so that is something good positive that I would take from previous relationships and bad that I would leave out of my next one um would be hmm jealousy I want to get like really real with you guys so I am a lot of people don’t believe in star science I’m not even gonna get into that but I am an Aries well I’m an area slash Taurus so I can be quite fiery and quite stubborn which you guys that might throw you a little bit because I generally quite calm on here but this is my best self and so I’ve had to learn to get to the root of my jealousy and what brings out those like really fiery emotions in me and generally speaking I tend to see them more after a drink or two after a glass of wine I tend to get a lot more emotional and I would also say that that then uncovers or brings up anything that I’ve been harboring inside of me so I guess what I do to combat that is to try and speak and communicate about anything that might be bothering me before I hit the Vivo and just let it all out that wave so yeah jealousy is something that I’ve had to work on just because I think it’s not a reflection of the other person it is just a reflection of my personal insecurities so yeah that’s been a tough one and gosh I didn’t even think I’d be talking about it today but yeah I think trusting in people and also picking your partner like picking the right partner and not picking somebody who’s going to trigger that within you or push your buttons in that way it’s been key for me and I think I’ve definitely done that this time the next question is what do you think um your previous partner or partners have learned from you which is a good one on a tough one to answer because I to be honest I’ve never really asked this question of a lot of my previous boyfriends I would like to think that they would have learnt to appreciate a good person because I think you know as much as I have my flaws I think generally speaking as a girlfriend I think I’ve been a really good partner I think I have been very loving very caring very open and very much a champion of whoever I’m with so I would hope that previous partners probably would have learned to appreciate a good woman I’m not saying that I haven’t been appreciated in previous relationships I’m just saying I would hope that they learn what it is to be like what it is to be with a good woman and appreciate that while she’s there no shades absolutely no change and as I always say in relationships there are always two sides to every story and then there’s the truth so my truth and you know somebody else’s truth might be slightly different completely different you know but I always feel like there are no Saints in relationships that we all do things that might negatively impact somebody else so I think we all have to acknowledge in relationships that none of us are perfect we’re all humans and even if you are a really good person how you interact and communicate with somebody else is yeah it’s complex relationships are complex because humans are complex so there’s no good guy bad guy in this you know we’re all just trying to figure it out I have never been closed off to dating people of other races I find black cumin the most attractive but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I wouldn’t you know think that I think that men of any other race are unattractive so yeah I’ve always been open-minded but I know what my eyes are drawn to when I walk into a room and yeah I would say my partner is very much my type social situation wise those those are generally the kind of people I meet just because they’re kind of nice I go out but yeah you know love is love at the end of the day Instagram okay so I had a really good question how have you found it being in a relationship during lockdown hard really really hard I’ve learnt in my current relationship that I actually am a big fan of affection and actually physical touch is one of my love languages so not being able to physically touch without getting naughty and has been really hard and and I guess you just have to make do with what we what we have luckily you know we’ve got video and call that FaceTime what’s that video house party people have been using quite a bit although I had to yeah I’m dealing to that because of all they’re like hacking me and that yeah we’ve been making a lot of use of that video calling each other just so we can like see each other when we have me in a conversation and yeah I think if anything do you know what they say about absence it does make the heart grow fonder so yeah it’s been quite tough I was able to get in a last visit before like the proper lockdown happened which I’m glad for but yeah we’re only two weeks in really so this is only gonna get more difficult so I think what I’m trying to do is or what we’re trying to do is like video call during the day a lot and just check in and yeah just like get that face time at least just so it still feels like we’re connected in some way but it has been quite good in that a lot of the conversations that we have are ones that we probably wouldn’t have before your face to face because you know you kind of like force suggests chat you know not that we don’t chat but like this it’s good because will not talk about random topics just because we’re not there or like watching something on Netflix look together or whatever so yeah it’s been it’s actually it’s been hard but it’s been good in that we’ve been able to get to know each other on a different level so yeah it’s been interesting I don’t ask me just question in about four weeks I might be saying I’m over it but yeah not over the relationship which is over the whole lockdown

next question is what is one thing you have learnt about yourself in this relationship um I actually asked I asked him the next question and I would say that I’ve learned that I am a big-time people pleaser and I kind of learned that kind of coming into this relationship as well and I’m very much oh yes man I’m a yes person like I always say yes before I even think about certain things and so he is quite the same and so I think what we’ve been trying to do is not just say no more for the sake of saying no but really consider things and really think about what time is going to go into something and whether or not that is going to benefit us at the end of the day and or we’re going to get something out of it so I’m not always you’re saying yes at the drop of a hat so I’ve learned to be less of a people pleaser and I’ve also learnt I need to have a bit more confidence in myself I am blessed enough to be you of somebody who’s very confident very much other people person and as much as you know I wouldn’t say that I’m not a people person I’m very much a bit of a recluse a bit of an introvert so it takes me a while to warm up not that I’m friendly but I people don’t generally approach me and I you know I don’t like to make friends all that easily and so I have learnt to come out of my shell a lot more to strike up conversation people I wouldn’t normally and yeah and I like that just on a holiday so we went to Marrakesh and yeah I very much know that about myself I need to come out of my shell a little bit more and just be a bit more open with people in the same way that he is and so that was a really positive learning experience and I feel like a good growth thing for me is what is one of your funniest memories together and again we’ve been together for a short while but we’ve been lucky enough to be able to squeeze in a holiday earlier in this year before he got a bit crazy so we went to Morocco and okay so we’re playing truth or dare in the hotel and he dared me to go downstairs without my wig on which was wild and so then I dared him to go downstairs with my wig on so that was quite fun the hotel stuff definitely enjoyed somebody else are you still in contact with your ex-fiancé no I’m not that is not for any reason in particular but generally I’m just the kind of person that if like a relationship ends I generally just leave that where it is which is in the past I wish everybody well like regardless of how things ended in any of my previous relationships bad or good I don’t wish anybody any ill will but I just don’t see the need to keep in contact I’m not somebody like who keeps a lot of friends anyway and I if I generally speaking my relationships don’t start as friendships so um it’s not like I’m missing out on any sort of friendship there so no I don’t but I hope I hope he’s well I hope everybody who has ever you know had any sort of relationship or connection to me or has ever been in my life in that way oh well but it’s just life you know you just everyone just goes on in their directions and you just get on with it really are you dating anyone exclusively yes already covered that very exclusively um somebody else I hate that I am nosy don’t are you dating if so super happy for you thank you I am dating very happy very happy I should say and so yeah then another question I got was what easy one love language controversial one so before I got into this relationship my love language was gifts I thought it was gifts and quality time I have since discovered that gifts are not my love language while I do love gifts I don’t think that’s my primary love language so the top ones were still quality time and for me quality time is about and having an a good chat a good conversation covering off the topic talking about our views and stuff and that’s really quality time for me or talking about our feelings or where we’ve come in our where we are in our relationship like I love all that kind of stuff and then physical touch actually um I have learnt that I am actually very affectionate which I didn’t it takes different people to bring out different parts of you I would say so in this relationship I’ve learned that physical touch is really important to me but not just you know the obvious your intimate type things and but more like cuddles and like hand-holding and you know just like snuggling up close to somebody those aren’t things I used to think I was even like really bothered about and now yeah I probably enjoy that I enjoy all that I hate say it but I am a softy which makes sense because I think I’m a softie in general like with people but I’ve just never been in that way so I think yeah I think I definitely feel comfortable enough to express that part of another question I got was how do you know when you found the one I feel like for everybody the one means something different and I feel that for some people there isn’t a one there’s just the one for now or the one for this stage in my life I guess you would kind of have to think about your end goal in mind and so if you’re in goal is to find somebody to marry and to settle down with and have kids then generally being able to envision that future that end goal with that person and really liking what you’ve envisioned and really liking what that what that looks like and I generally think that if you have no know you know huge doubts about that person’s ability to help you fulfill your end goal I think then you found the one for you but yeah it really depends you know and for some people the one just might be somebody who makes them feel safe or somebody who makes them feel like you know they’re at home like for me and how I know I found my one is somebody being with somebody who kind of makes me feel at home and feel comfortable and you know I feel like if I’m not with them we’re from around them then I don’t feel at home where I am and so yeah for me like there is a sense of home but that could come from the fact that I’ve never really felt at home as in I’ve never really felt at home either you know by myself or in certain you know living situations or whatever so that could come from there but for me if somebody feels like home they feel like family and yet like because I’m very close with my family you kind of need to feel like that oh it’s a very it’s a it’s a high standard get to you but I think generally that is it’s the idea of someone being the one somebody being four you can share whatever it is you’re trying to work towards in life who you can share that with so yeah for me I’m trying to work towards slaying down roots and setting up home so I feel like the one for me would be like somebody who makes me feel at home and rooted and like rounded and say so yeah somebody said love you by the way love you too and would you feel any type of way if your man earned less than you um I’m not being a word I don’t think um salary really matters to be honest I think I would definitely want to be with somebody who had a job or a career or some sort of livelihood or something that they did to earn money because I hate to say it but money makes the world go around and we’ve all got bills to pay but you know how much that is is it’s got nothing to do me to be honest so long as they can sustain themselves pay their bills keep a roof over their head then that’s all good um you know if we live together or if we had a home together you know so long as they could meet our joint commitments and that’s absolutely fine like I think what I earned doesn’t matter – shouldn’t matter to a man and what he earns doesn’t matter to me just as long as everyone can meet their commitments and everyone is responsible with their money because it’s all well and good earning more money but if you don’t spend it wisely then what’s the point yeah I don’t I don’t think generally that bothers me and I don’t think it would bother anyone I’m with either so yeah good question though um I think it is a funny question because money tends to be a lot of the root of relationship problems actually um if I can find us that I’ll like pop it on screen but yeah I think understanding rather than focusing on what the other person earns understanding how the person manages what they do add is key so I’m not I’m not suggesting that you go and if your partner doing credit check or have someone you’re dating told you their credit score and but I’m just saying that observing how somebody manages their money is good because it gives you an insight into how they would manage any money that you guys you know are pulling together which is you know it could be the cause of a lot of issues and a lot of arguments so you want to nip that in the bud and then this was a really good question it’s in two parts and it was that part the first part is if two people genuinely love each other is it possible for one to love the other more and then the part two to that was if it is possible for one turn of the atom or how do you even measure such a thing this question through me I’ll be honest I think it is possible as I’m saying for one person to feel like they love the other person more and equally it’s possible for one person to feel like the other person loves them love is something that is almost impossible to measure and because we all you know love in different ways or we show our love in different ways so you know one person might show their love through affection and or through little random acts of kindness and another person might show their love through willing to spend time with somebody or buying them you know really thoughtful presents or whatever you know love languages basically and so you can’t really pit and you know one person’s love up against another person’s because we’re all so complicated and so combat X and what we feel is hard to kind of quantify so I don’t think love can be measured and even if it could be I don’t think it should be missed if you measured because I think in a relationship especially long-term relationships and things go in peaks and troughs so at one point in time one person’s love might ring stronger and that’s just because of what they’re going through and and you know in another part of the relationship the other person’s love takes over and I think that in a any I think for me the sign of a really good relationship is being able to I guess almost top each other up almost fill each other up when one of you is kind of running low on reserves so for example I think about a relationship where people have kids and I think that for there might be a period of time in which the mother feels that her love is very much focused on their child and she doesn’t have a lot much else she doesn’t have a lot left to give to her partner and whereas and then in that time the partner might have a lot of love don’t get me wrong so that they wouldn’t have love for their child but they’ve got more love to direct towards it and the mother of their child and but she doesn’t have as much left to give to them but it’s beneficial to the child and the child’s development so in those times it’s like you know I would say it’s definitely time for there’s definitely a time for one person’s love to carry things on almost while the other person’s love is being diverted and then in relationships where there are no children or whatever there might be you know as a couple you’ll kind of go through hardships you know loss grief and in those moments your love is it is almost focused somewhere else and I’m like and this is not me talking about people being unfaithful your love should always be focused on the relationships that you are carrying in you and I’ve done like your family your friends your children

So I think it’s okay for one person to love the other person more at certain points in the relationship because I feel like in any relationship that balance is constantly shifting and I think that when you I think that where there is a problem is where you feel like your needs as far as how you receive love are not being met for a long period of time what is a long period of time is different to everybody so I can’t comment on what that might be for each individual but if you feel that consistently and for a long prolonged period of time your needs and your love language it isn’t being spoken then there then you know there’s a conversation to be had and I think that you can always work you can always come back from that but I think like you know even if we could measure love like we would all be on different systems you know you probably have the metric system and you know whatever oh we couldn’t all get it on the same page because one group of people would measure it differently to another so I think that the one I think that that is probably not necessarily the thing you should be focused on I feel like in to be able to say that you’re giving your also a relationship you should go in with 100% and so not you know from the mindset that I want to come in with 50% of love and the other person comes in with 50% of love and we meet bang in the middle and it’s perfect you should come in with a hundred percent of the love like you should go in like the other person doesn’t have the capacity for love and give a hundred percent almost to cover you both and then in an ideal scenario if the other person comes in with their hundred percent then you were two hundred percent double the amount of love a really good book that I read and really enjoyed was the power by Rhonda Byrne and also the mastery of love by Don Miguel Ruiz both of those books really talked about the power of love to change your circumstances to change your life and then also you’re the attitude that you should have towards love and I think that a lot of the messages that came out of those books for me were that you go into relationship willing to give a hundred percent of the love you kind of go into it almost thinking the other person either going to give anything and then at least if things don’t work out you can always look back and say I gave it my all I gave you my everything but generally speaking if it’s a positive relationship the other person should be doing the same and yet as I say there will be times where you both can’t give your absolute all because you’re just you know your love reserves are just being depleted by family or kids or you know passions or whatever and that’s okay I think that’s absolutely okay but I think you talk through and you work through and you communicate through those times and you just let your other half know that hey I don’t have a lot to give you right now because I’m going through this or because you know our child means us or because I’m feeling low and I’m feeling like mentally I’m not in a stable place as I need to be so I just need you to recognize that I need you to know that I just I can’t give you everything right now but it’s not that I don’t want to and for me it’s like it’s not that I don’t think love ever really fades and I think it can sometimes become exhausted because we have we don’t have an unlimited amount of love to give I don’t think anyway or if we do and we need to fill ourselves up first and then we can give love to other people so yeah I genuinely believe that if you have not filled yourself up with love then you’re probably not in a place to get into a healthy relationship so yeah that’s what I would focus on filling yourself up with love and then overflowing and then feeling like you know what I need to give some of this excess to somebody else so yeah that was a really good question and I’m gonna end the video on that note thank you guys so much for watching and for submitting your questions I hope you guys are all healthy and well and if not I’m sending you my prayers my positive thoughts and well wishes and hope that you and your family are able to get through these quite difficult times to be honest and I hope that my channel has been a source of positivity and if you’re not positivity just a distraction from what’s going on and I know that I definitely look to YouTube for content that just takes my mind off everything that’s going on in the world and I hope that my channel can be that for you guys and so yeah until my next video which will probably be a vlog on Wednesday I will see you guys soon please do subscribe and comment down below and let me know if you have any other questions I’m happy to do another one in soon and do come follow me on Instagram if you want more regular updates because I’m kind of semi vlogging over there not vlogging but like posting more on my stories and trying to be a bit more active I might even do an Instagram live at some point today I don’t know any time where I have makeup on I’m like alright I’m gonna be all over the socials today so I can just bomb for the rest of the week but yeah thank you guys so much for your support and for your kind words and I will see you guys in my next video on Wednesday

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